I am more than a number.

This week I am trying really hard to avoid gluten and wheat to see if it has any effect on how sick I have been feeling. I am able to link my sick stomach back to some form of gluten or wheat so I think reducing the amount I consume should help me feel less bloated! I have been really frustrated in the past few weeks as I am doing all I should be doing, but haven't been seeing a great result on the scales. I've been walking lots, eating very healthily and drinking lots of water. I have even gone as far as cutting out my beloved diet coke as I was drinking WAY to much of that instead of water! I, as a result, have been feeling much better and so much less sluggish.

As I weighed in last week, and I was down 1.5lbs, I needed a kick up the backside as I was disappointed. I had been doing everything right yet the scales didn't add up in my option. I am the first person to tell someone else how well they are doing, that a lb is a lb and they should be happy, but this week I just couldn't kick the feeling that it wasn't good enough.

I have spent the last few days really thinking about this, and I have come to the conclusion 

1. I am yet again my own worst enemy. 
2. I think as we all embark on this lifestyle change, we rely heavily on the scales to make us feel good about ourselves.

Of course, we all gather together once a week and the main aim is that we see a loss on the scales, and the main goal is to loose weight to become healthier. But I think I have swayed away from my main focus of becoming healthier, and have been more focused on what the scales tell me each week. I am allowing the number on the scales define how I feel about myself and that's not ok. If I have a loss, I obviously feel over the moon, but if I don't loose the amount that I think I deserve to, or God forbid I stay the same, I am really cross at myself and stomp around the house for a few hours after weigh in, beating myself up despite knowing deep down I am making the right choices. 

I fail to take into account the immeasurable benefits that my healthier lifestyle is having on my life long term. I am happier now than I have been in months. My skin and hair are in the best condition of my life. I have energy. I am excited about food, about feeding my body the right foods rather than eating for the sake of eating. I am sleeping better. My joints don't hurt anymore. I can walk without getting puffed. The list goes on and on...

Obviously, I need to loose weight, that's why I am in weight watchers. But allowing a number on a scales dictate how I feel about myself for the rest of the week is not acceptable. And it really can! If I've been really well behaved but I STS, I can really feel rubbish for a few days afterwards. I forget that I am doing my body a favour by being healthier, and that the weight loss will come, and I only focus on what that scales tell me. I love the Special K ad that has women weighing in..removing keys & phones from pockets and hoping the scales will be favourable. All the scales tell them is "you're beautiful". If we are all working hard at being healthy, making the right choices, exercising well and generally leading a positive life, we shouldn't let the scales change how we feel about ourselves. We are doing the best we can, and it might take is a while to get to where we want to be, but right now in this moment, we are doing the best for our health.

So this week I made a list of things I can do now that I couldn't before I started this new chapter in my life. I listed out the benefits of being healthier and what impact it's having on my life. I listed things about myself both physically and internally. I pretty much gave myself a pep talk about why I should be proud of the changes in my life I am making. And I'd encourage you all to do the same! It really perked me up seeing how far I've come, and seeing what positive impacts being healthier is having on my life.

The weight loss will come in time as long as I continue to treat myself well.

For now, that's what I am going to focus on.

It's not a race.

This week I have been struggling a little bit. I have been really good in terms of my eating, so far I have only used 4 weekly points and I've gained a good few exercise points. But i have been struggling with the idea that the scales might not go in my favour again this week. Although I took last week in my stride and didn't allow my mystery 1lb gain have any impact my focus, I am not sure if I will be able to feel as optimistic if I have a gain or a STS this week. 

I have been following one of the WW facebook pages and something that seems to be coming up a lot is that this isn't a race. It's a life style change, not a diet. I thought I had grasped that concept, but this week I realised that I am feeling a little disheartened that my weight loss has slowed down. I was beating myself up a bit over my 1lb gain, and loosing focus on all my hard work to date...which has been a slow, steady weight loss not a quick fix. 

When I am hard on myself, or I get fed up that I'm not loosing weight fast enough the only person I am competing against is me. No one else is trying to beat me at loosing weight, no one else is standing in my shoes. When I am so hard on myself, the only person I am hurting is myself. I am robbing myself of the small victories along the way when I am only focused on the end goal and not rewarding myself for the small achievements. 

I was busy wallowing in my own self pity when I found a shirt that I fitted into rather snugly last June at the height of my weight gain. I thought, sure I'll try it on & maybe it will be a little looser..the shirt was hanging off me. Because I have been so focused on the end goal and not stopping to appreciate my mini goals I hadn't been able to see the weight loss I've had to date. I thought I'd lost a bit and it might be a little noticeable, but when I put on that shirt & my husband took a photo of me, I was really knocked back. So I stopped wallowing, and I gave myself a good old pat on the back. 

How many of us allow ourselves to be robbed of our achievements and the joy that comes with them by being our own worst enemies? I know I AM the only one standing in my way to success. I know I am the only one disappointed if I ONLY loose 1lb instead of the 2lb I'd been hoping for. Instead of enjoying the journey, I am have only been focused on the finish line and as a result I have been harder on myself when getting to that finish line is taking longer than I had planned. 

No more. 

This isn't a race. 

This is my life and instead of wishing it away until I 

reach my goal I am going to enjoy the now.

I am going to enjoy the small victories.

Dust yourself off and keep going.

After my last blog, you can imagine I was expecting to have a loss at weigh in this week. I walked hard, I ate well and I was feeling fairly optimistic. As the week progressed my self belief took a bit of a nose dive as my stomach issues flared up. I have been suffering with celiac like symptoms for a while now, and my Dr & I have been trying to figure out what it is that I'm eating that upsets my stomach. Despite a recent blood test coming back negative for celiac, after a visit to the Dr this week we agreed I would be better off trying a gluten free diet to see if that helps my stomach at all. Being able to show him my WW tracker & being able to say I got sick after eating this etc really was helpful. I've also been diagnosed with IBS which isn't helping matters either!

I went from feeling confident to feeling worried and as weigh in approached I knew I was going to be up. My stomach was very bloated, and despite all my hard work, I knew the scales weren't going to go in my favour. I could have ran away and just written the week off, which believe me did cross my mind around an hour before weigh in, but I knew I needed to weigh in, draw a line under it and start again. I stepped on the scales and I was up one lb. To say I wasn't gutted would be a total lie, but I knew I had done everything right and that this just wasn't my week. I took a deep breath, picked myself up and dusted myself off and this week I’m starting again.

It can be the most frustrating thing in the world when you know you are doing the best that you can do, trying to be more healthy and it just doesn't seem to be paying off. Previously a weigh in like that could have sent me into a spiral of self pity. I could have bought a big tub of Ben & Jerry’s and eaten my way through it in one sitting, but not this time. I decided to take ownership of the result on the scales, and allow it to spur me on rather than hold me back. There may have been a number of reasons I was up, but it doesn't matter now. I am continuing to do the best that I can do, and I am hoping that I will see a result in the coming weeks. I know I can do this, I am determined that I will succeed and if it takes me longer than expected...that's ok too because I WILL get there in the end. I think my attitude is so much healthier recently. Before I would have blamed everything else for me being up, but now I know that regardless of the cause, I am going to continue to work flippin' hard to get the weight off me. I am focused at moving forward and I am not going to let anything hold me back. There will be weeks where life gets in the way, where an event gets in the way or where I just stumble..but this week I just keep thinking that I have to dust myself off and keep going.

After my gain I was feeling really gross and was convinced that the ONE lb was showing. How silly is that? I was forgetting about the other 52lbs I have lost to date and only focusing on that 1lb I gained. I am my own worst enemy and I really beat myself up. I loose focus on all my hard work up the date and focus only on the one negative thing. I had taken my dogs for our 3km march around the block the other day and in a rather gross state I popped into my local, tiny "an siopa" to get a bottle of water. Feeling rather disgusting walking back to my house, I was knocked back when my local hair dresser commented on how well I was looking and how much weight I had lost. We had a good chat and I was really motivated after speaking with her as she was really encouraging. It hit me then, that even after a bad week and in my sweaty state, all my hard work is starting to show. If that didn't spur me on, I don't know what will!

I am determined, I am focused and I am the one in control. No pity parties here..I am going to do this and I will keep moving forward!

Bring on next week!

Scales...it's me and you....bring it on!!

New hair for a new me.

This week has been going pretty well for me. I had my Mum and her friend down to Cork for a visit and it could have been a disaster for me food wise. I normally would buy in lots of naughty treats and wine, not to mention the takeaway we no doubt would have had at some point too. Instead I popped into Aldi and filled my fridge with lots of healthy treats and made sure I made wise choices while they were here. We went out for dinner one evening and I resisted the temptation of the amazing desserts on display and instead settled for an ice pop later in the evening. I didn't feel deprived, instead I was proud that I was able to stay in control. 

I over came another major temptation this week which was "the road trip". I am a car snacker. If I stop at a garage, I will always come out with a bottle of diet coke and sometimes a curly wurly. Myself and my hubby were heading to Ikea and believe me, in the past I have done major damage on that journey. Not only do you have the long car trip and the boredom that goes along with that, there is also Mc Donald's on route, along with all the usual temptations like chocolate, ice pops, muffins etc. Instead I decided to pack a bag full of goodies that I pointed. I knew it was safe for me to nibble my way through all the goodies as I had tracked them all and I wasn't able to do too much damage. I had fruit, popcorn, a yogurt and a curly wurly. Even in Ikea I resisted my usual meatballs and chips, and instead opted for a tasty chicken breast with couscous. On route home, my hubby wanted to stop for a Mc D's and I even managed to resist tucking into his goodies. When we got home, I felt very proud that I had beaten the dreaded road trip & not done any damage points wise.  I feel now that I have the self discipline to be able to travel lots, and not have major regrets the next day! 

I have also walked more in the last few days than I have in months, it is like I've been bitten by "the walking bug". The dogs don't know what has hit them! I've made a few good choices like instead of driving into town, I walked down. It may have taken me 30 minutes more than driving, but I felt wonderful afterwards. I have realised, that some how, I have transitioned into a "lifestyle change". I think people believe being on weight watchers must mean its torture. Today in my local shop, the owner asked me how I was finding the programme...was I hungry all the time? Did I hate having to track food? And having to exercising....YUCK! Far from it. In the last few weeks, I've realised I am actually really enjoying taking care of myself. I know I am treating my body the way it deserves to be treated, with a bit of respect. My hubby keeps telling me to stop saying "I'm trying to be healthier, I'm trying to loose weight".... he keeps saying YOU'RE DOING IT! Which I'm realising is very true! :) I AM doing it! I've made a lifestyle change and I'm loving it. 

Normally I would treat myself with food...a nice box of choccies, a take away etc. But I decided that as I am now over 50lbs lighter...I might as well treat myself to a new "do" for a new me. 

This is my new life and the new me!

A bail of hay...

Yesterday I decided to go through my wardrobe as I was noticing that a few things we a little bit on the loose side (nice perk to loosing weight!) I had already had one clear out a few months where I had bagged some clothes that I had not worn for months and in some cases, years. Yesterdays clear out was different though...it was a freeing experience. It wasn't getting rid of clothes because I don't like them anymore, it was because through my hard work they no longer fit. I tried on dresses that had at one stage been too tight and found with delight they were now too loose! Another lovely feeling was trying on a few things from my "skinny" wardrobe to find some pretty items are now fitting me nicely! 

I bagged up all the items I decided I was dropping off to the charity shop and along with the items from my previous clear out it mounted to 5 bin bags of clothing! As I struggled to lift the bags out of my spare bedroom, I began to wonder how heavy the bags were. Curiosity got the better of me and I grabbed my scales & popped the bags on one by one...5kg for one, 10kg for the next..in total 20kg for my 5 bags. As I dragged the bags down the stairs..huffing and puffing all the way it hit me...June of 2012 I was carrying 23kg of extra weight around with me. No wonder I was tired all the time! I managed to drag the bags to my car and lift them into my boot and all the while I was thinking...this is some weight! It's the equivalent to a small bail of hay or a suitcase packed full of clothes ready to go on holidays! And I have never stopped and appreciated how much hard work it has taken for me to get this far...I have always been so focused on how much further I have to go.

I knew I had lost weight, but yesterday the reality of how much really dawned on me. And it got me thinking, as we are loosing weight, do we stop to realise how much lighter we are making ourselves? I know that as the lbs are coming off me I feel lighter in so many ways, not just physically. I feel happier, I feel more energetic and I of course feel more determined to keep going. I can do things now that I couldn't a year ago and I'm proud of that. 

I wonder when was the last time you stopped and praised yourself for how far you've come rather than focusing on how far you have to go? If you have lost 2 lbs or 500 lbs, have you stopped to consider how much that actually weighs and how much your body and you personally are benefiting from it being gone? An old weight watchers leader I had once got a school bag and filled it with mini bags that weighed 1 lb each. She got each member of the class to fill it with the amount of weight they had lost to date and got us to try and lift it...many of us couldn't or at least we struggled to. Why not try to lift the amount of weight you have lost...it will make you appreciate how far you have come!

I am making a promise to myself that instead of looking back and beating myself up for all the weight I gained, I am going to praise myself for me loosing it. 

I've come a long way...I've still got a way to go but I closer than I was yesterday.

Learning.

I absolutely love my Weight Watchers class, it's a gang of 15 or so lovely ladies (and sometimes the odd gent) who are all really open and honest about how their week has gone. We are all there for the same reason, and each week I come away feeling really supported. We have a wonderful coach who is very enthusiastic and it's rather contagious. This evening I was optimistic going along to the class and I didn't, for once, have that dreaded knot in my stomach approaching the scales. 

I had a good week, I was well behaved, I tracked everything I ate and really enjoyed the food I cooked during the week. I nearly fell off the scales when Sue, our coach, said I was down 5.5lbs! I was absolutely thrilled! I have a few weeks of ups & downs so as you can imagine I was delighted. I achieved my 10% weight loss goal tonight and got my 3rd silver 7! That brings my total weight loss to date 51.5lbs. I still can't quite get my head around that figure, but I am feeling wonderful...and light! ;)

We were discussing in class that if we lost a half a pound in a week would we be happy. The general consensus was that depending on the effort we had put in during that week, a half a pound could either be a good result or a bad result. Although a loss is a loss, it's crazy to think that some weeks we can walk away from the scales disheartened and this lead me to think that we, as women particularly, are very tough on ourselves. Hands up I am the first to admit that I have been very hard myself. For every positive comment I receive, I remember the one negative one and end up focusing on it. I know that when I look in the mirror, rather than praising myself for the positive changes I see, I can zoom in on the things that still need a little work. I am always wanting to change my hair colour, have better skin, nicer nails...the list is endless at times. Why do we do this to ourselves? I think we often hold ourselves back by believing the negative the things we say to ourselves so often rather than actually seeing the beautiful women we are both inside and out.

One thing I am trying to do is be nicer to me. If I am always putting myself down, how am ever going to be content. One thing I am learning from my current weight loss journey is that the biggest change has to start internally. The weight loss will come, be it half a pound at a time. But if I haven't changed my mindset, nothing positive will come of all my hard work other than a smaller bottom. 

Even at my slimmest, I was still poking my tiny muffin top and wishing it away rather than giving myself a pat on the back for all my hard work. I was telling my mother in-law today that I feel I am approaching Weight Watchers differently this time. I want to learn to be healthy and I want to be kinder to myself. I want to make a long term lifestyle change that will benefit me in the long run. And I am determined to stop to appreciate the small goals I am achieving along the way and to appreciate me for being me. 

We also discussed setting goals in class tonight and one small goal I have set myself is to fit back into my wedding dress before my 27th Birthday in September. I am planning on doing something a little bit bizarre when I do fit back into it though. I would absolutely love to do a "trash your dress" photo shoot. I'm never planning on wearing a wedding dress again and I think if I'm going to put my old one back on, why not do something creative. 

Not only would this be a huge achievement for me to fit back into the dress, but I would be over coming some confidence issues by having a professional photo shoot done. I love the idea of throwing paint at my darling husband and making a huge mess! Our introduction to married life has been less than clean, so why not make some more messy memories together! So I have a little under two months to slip back into the dress..and when I do...I will stop, take a moment and give myself a well deserved pat on the back. 

It's all about stopping to enjoy the small things along this journey.

A new start.

I want to start this blog off by being honest. I am not perfect, far from it. I have yo-yo dieted, I lost a lot of weight with Weight Watchers before..and I gained it back. I have eaten tubs of ice-cream, stuffed my face with jellies and then starved myself. I've beaten myself up over my size and wished I could change many things about myself physically. I have abused my health in lots of ways....believe me...I am not perfect. 

I have had, however, an eye opener. In 2011, in my first year of blissful marriage my handsome, healthy, witty, strong husband became very ill. My rock, my love, my best friend. He was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma which was at a borderline stage 4. My world could have crumbled, but together, with the strength given to us by our faithful Lord, we muddled our way through a blur of scans, biopsies, chemotherapy, surgery, drips, morphine and lots of other medical words that still make my skin crawl. I watched my amazing husband make it onto the dreaded critical list in November 2011 and then slowly regain his strength in the months to follow. After a testing, tear filled few months..my warrior reached complete remission and was told he was cancer free. He has, since then gone from strength to strength and is the picture of health. 

Health being the key word. Everything that happened to my beloved made me realise our life really is so precious. We don't know what is right around the corner or what battles we might face. So why waste time with excuses..."I'll join Weight Watchers tomorrow, I don't feel like it today."...."I'll go for that walk tomorrow, I'm too tired today." In the year of caring for my love, I gained a lot of the weight I had originally lost in Weight Watchers. I beat myself up for months, but did nothing about it...other than continue to comfort eat. And then it clicked. Please God, one day we will have a family. I want to be here to watch them grow up. I want to be able to go for walks and not get out of breath. I want to feel like I am living each day with my miracle husband to the fullest and not look back and regret a thing. 

In June 2012 I decided to start trying to be healthier. Little changes here & there. I slowly started to feel I was regaining control of my eating, and as the lbs began to come off, I started to realise I CAN do this. On the 30th of May I rejoined Weight Watchers after loosing 26lbs at home by myself. I realise WW isn't for everyone, but as it had worked for me before..I figured it was a safe bet. Since my rejoin, I have lost a further 20lbs and am still loosing. I am loving experimenting with food and I can feel the benefit of it. I want to use this blog to encourage others, share recipes and tips I pick up along the way.

I am learning and I am growing.
 I feel healthier, I feel happier and I feel more like me...the woman I was created to be. 

This is a new start...I am finally growing in the right direction.