Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Eyes on the prize.

I've had a bit of set back in the last few weeks. I have no idea how, but I have a possible bulging disc in my lower back. I don't know if I was doing gymnastics in my sleep, but I just woke up one morning and noticed a dull pain in my lower back. This pain has slowly but surely worsened over the last three weeks. After four doctors visits and very high pain relief, I’ve been referred for an MRI later this week followed by Physio. Yipee! I'll be honest, I have really struggled since this has happened. I've gone from walking my 3km block every second night to being stuck on the sofa able to do nothing...zilch...zero. I have done more activity than I probably should, resulting in my hubby giving out to me and ordering me back to the sofa to rest. I've been fidgety, frustrated, fed up and just wanting to get back on my feet. 



Normally when I am sick or injured, I turn to food. I normally want comfort food, chocolate, anything to make me feel better. I refused to return to my old ways and comfort myself with food. Instead, I planned. I shopped healthy, I made soups and dinners in advance and I made sure I had lots of low pp snacks in the house. The result? 2.5lbs lost in the last two weigh ins. I'm still recovering, and still very frustrated I can't get out for my walks with the dog, but I know that will come with time. Hopefully this MRI will get to the route of the problem and I will be back on my feet again properly in no time!



Being in a compromised position has made me realise I really am in charge of what the outcome is. No one else has any control over what I eat, I'm the only one responsible. I choose what I put in my mouth, and I am responsible for the outcome. I could have thrown in the towel, resigned to the fact I couldn't exercise and allowed it to be an excuse to eat what I want when I wanted. I could have chosen the tub of Ben & jerries instead of the skinny cow ice pop, but I am determined to keep moving forward, even if it is at a slower pace than I had hoped for. Why? Because I know how far I have come and I’m not prepared to let a little blip in my road ruin all my hard work. I have my eyes on the prize and I'm determined to get there, no matter how long it takes. 



I think so often we can get caught up in moving forward and forget to look back at how far we have already come. Have you stopped & looked back at how far you've come? As of tonight I have lost 62lbs. I have so far gone from a size 22 to a size 16. I am healthier, happier and fitter than I was a year ago. Yes, I still have a bit left to go, but I have made some progress to date. I was talking to my sister in-law the other day, and she didn't believe me that I used to worry if I would fit in an airplane seat when we went away on holiday. She couldn't picture me as a size 22, despite the fact that I was wearing jeans that size for a number of months. Although admitting to her I once was that size made me very embarrassed, it also made me proud. Proud that I took the step to better my life and proud that I am every day committing to try my best, despite what blips life throws at me. I am passionate about becoming healthier, bettering myself and also encouraging others along their journeys. 



I know I will get to where I want to be and I know that this time I will maintain it. 
Why? 
Because I am worth more than settling for a life where I am fed up of my weight. 
I am worth more than putting my health at risk. 
And I want to LIVE my life, not just survive it. 





Thursday, October 17, 2013

Learning to be nicer to me!

The last two weeks have been a bit of roller coaster. The weeks leading up to my husbands oncology appointment always are. They are filled with worry, anxiety and normally comfort eating. And when I say comfort eating, I really mean comfort eating. I normally would aimlessly pick my way through the cupboards, the fridge and the freezer with out even realising I was doing it. I would loose total run of myself and not care about the results. Exercise wouldn't play a roll in relieving stress, it wouldn't even factor into the equation. 


I had an unexplained gain of 3lbs last week, which I was absolutely gutted about. So this teamed with my inbuilt want to comfort eat could have ended in complete disaster this week. I could have said "sod it" and just used my hubbies appointment as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted.

As hubbies appointment approached, I actively made a choice that I was going to handle my stress in a different way this time. Instead of binging on anything I could get my hands on, I planned my meals. I adapted my normal go to comfort foods so they were ww friendly. I still had my tummy warming, soul comforting dinners but with a healthier twist. I'll add my recipe for "Cauliflower, cheese and chips" to my recipe tab (over there to the right!) which has always been my go-to dinner when things are a bit rubbish. I adapted it, and still enjoyed every soothing mouthful but without the guilt. I made sure my "bar box" was filled with ww friendly treats, all only 2 or 3 pp each so if I needed a bit of chocolate or something sweet, I could have a few snacks and not live to regret it.

On Sunday morning my hubby and I headed for a big walk around the cliffs in Churchbay/Fountainstown. The path was completely overgrown so it was a bit of a struggle, but beating the plants out of the way was a great stress buster! We walked for around 2 hours and afterwards I felt much more relaxed. 



After a long few days, and a very few tense hours on Monday morning, we were delighted to hear my hubby is 1.5 years in complete remission. The oncologist was delighted to see how well hubby is doing and thrilled to hear he is able to do things like hike up Torc Mountain! As you can imagine, a huge weight was lifted. We could both breathe again and not have a horrible stress hanging over us. We walked around town like we were floating on cloud 9. I can't even explain the relief! 

After such a stressful week, my husband and I made a positive pact. We decided that for the next two weeks, I was only allowed to speak positively about myself, my weight loss and my image. I am my own worst enemy for putting myself down, and despite loosing 3.5lbs at weigh in on Tuesday, I was beating myself up as I thought it would be more. I agreed that I was only going to lift myself up instead of tearing myself down. I think we really can be our own worst critics.


To go with my new attitude, I went and got my hair chopped. I had been trying to grow it, but the ends were dead and lifeless so I figured a fresh new start was needed. After my hair appointment, I figured I would try on a few dresses my ww buddy Sarah had kindly given me. The last time I tried them on they fitted but not comfortably. Today, I felt like a million dollars. I really am starting to see my shape again and it's a welcome sight! 



So, as this week continues, I am going to make an extra effort to be nicer to me. After everything me and my love have been through, I think it's time I stop stressing and just enjoy the now. The weight loss will come in time, my fitness will continue to improve and if I just stop beating myself up, I might actually realise I am doing pretty darn great!




Monday, October 7, 2013

Climbing my Everest

Beep, beep, beep. I rolled over and looked at my phone, 6.30am...what was I thinking? I can't remember the last time I had to get up at that time. I was tempted to hit snooze but I remembered why I set the alarm so early. Andrew & I were off to Killarney to hike all 1682 ft of Torc Mountain. Eeek! I had that knot in the pit of your stomach feeling, this was the first mountain I had ever attempted to climb and to be honest, I was terrified. A million self doubts rushed around in my head..could I do it? Would I make a fool of myself? Would it be worth it if I failed? I reminded myself that the last time I attempted to do any proper hiking I was over 4 stone heavier. The new, fitter, healthier me can do anything she puts her mind to. I pushed self doubt aside, told myself I would give it my all and climbed out of bed.


Saturday was glorious weather, and yesterday, Sunday was due to be the same. Perfect hiking weather apparently, crisp, dry and spectacular views at the end. We both staggered around in the dark, grabbed our hiking gear and got our food supply out of the fridge. I had packed sausages for Andrew for breakfast and bacon medallions and gluten free toast for me, both of which we were planning on cooking beside the lake on our camping stove. I had also packed sandwiches and some goodies for after our hike, all of which I pre-tracked so I knew I could eat whatever I had packed. 6.45am and we hopped into the car and headed towards Killarney. It was starting to brighten up a little, but there were a few drops of rain which we hoped would clear before we started hiking.


We arrived into Killarney at 8am and we were met with a heavy layer of fog and very heavy rain. So heavy, we couldn't even see the mountain we were going to climb! We had planned on setting off at 9am for Torc, but decided to have our breakfast beside one of the lakes & go for a small hike in a forest first to see if the weather lifted. Andrew set a time limit of 11am, and if he felt the weather was dangerous, we wouldn't be going anywhere! We parked up the car, set up a little kitchen in the back seat of the car and tucked into our breakfast! After we had our fill we headed to Muckross for a walk through the forest to see what the weather was doing. 




11am came, and the weather was still pretty rotten. We decided to drive to the car park beside Torc to see if we would give it a go. We arrived at the car park and the scale of the mountain really hit home. It was huge and given the weather, I could only see halfway up! Self doubt started creeping back in, but I decided I was worth more than that. I told my hubby that I wasn't put off by the weather and I wanted to give it a go. Why you may ask? I needed to at least try. I had geared myself up mentally, prepared myself and I wanted to prove to myself I could do this.




We started our climb, which began with a one mile hike to the base of the mountain. As we stood at the base of the mountain I reminded myself of how far I had come already and told myself again that I could do this. I have to say, my husband was amazing. He encouraged me every step of the way, slowed down without saying anything when he could see I was struggling and gave me little pep talks when I was doubting myself. The mountain is a mixture of railway sleepers and rocks and it varies in how step the gradient is. It was absolutely pouring, and at times we couldn't see more than a few feet ahead of us. Rain was pouring off my face & I had my own personal swimming pool in my hiking boots! At a few stages I have to be honest, I wanted to turn back. But I knew I would beat myself up if I did. Andrew was brilliant & kept telling me we were almost there. I was aching, sweating and struggling, but loving it. Andrew told me to literally take it one step at a time. I started counting my steps in groups of 4 and found this helped me have a regular pace. Andrew kept telling me..just one step at a time...it doesn't matter how slowly we go as long as we are moving forward.



We turned a corner, and Andrew uttered the magic words...you see that? That's the top! All of a sudden I got a massive rush of adrenaline and we marched to the top! It was blowing a gale, there was no view at all as it was raining so heavily, and we were both drowned...but it didn't matter! WE DID IT!! I won't lie, I shed a few tears...mostly because we realised I left our victory chocolate bar in the car!! We took at few photos at the top and had to head back down quickly as the weather really started closing in. I swear to you, I floated down the mountain! I was so unbelievably proud of myself!



An hour later, we were back at the car. We were soaked to the bone, freezing but very, very happy. We had our munchies in the car, turned on the heating full welly and got into some dry clothes! In total over the course of the day, we hiked 6.5 miles, burnt over 1,200 calories, were on the go for almost 4 hours and climbed 1682 ft. But most importantly, I proved to myself I can do anything I put my mind to. I have made a commitment to better my life by becoming healthier, and by doing so, I am able to enjoy wonderful experiences like this one with my best friend and my love. What could be better?

Have a great week everyone! I am still floating!